The %% %% %%%%% %%%%% %% %% %%%%%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %%%% ** %% %% %% %% %% %%%% %% ** %%%%% %%%%%% %%% Siders
Groaning, David Divad, also known as the swashbuckling reluctant hero Swordmaster, turned to face CAW.
"The Mads?"
"You know! Ultimate Ninja at the LNHHQ! Cambot's got him on hold, listening to Johnny Mathis. At this rate, I figger he'll go postal within the hour."
"Well, why didn't you *@#$&!&!*$ say so!" Wandering over the the Warehouse's radio, Swordmaster adjusted his Spandex outfit and full-face mask. I have got to get an outfit designed by New Look Lass... this &*!$&!#$ one that Dad made me shows everything.... As &!*%&!*&%! usual.
Flipping on the monitor and camera, he spoke up. "Swordmaster here. What the $*&#@! do you want this time, Ninja?"
"Hrmmph," the Ninja grunted. "The a.outSiders have been spotted in Provid.net. I thought I'd call on you since you're the closest net.hero team."
This time it was Swordmaster's turn to grunt. "I'll put my best on 'em." The Ninja nodded, and the screen went blank.
"CAW, I want you to find Warbabe, Whip, and the Rollerblader, and meet me in the van. Oh, and if you see the Rodent, might as well bring him along."
"Yes, sir, Master Manos, Joel, sir!.. long as Tim Van Patten isn't driving!"
"I've just about given up on getting anything out of our guest," Betty Crocket muttered, collapsing into an easy chair. "Nothing I've tried works."
"Let me try," Stacy Boomer suggested, wandering through the door joining the two rooms to where Keyen Gerrig was tied to a chair, the Incredible Man-With-No-Life and CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE hovering nearby.
"Why don't you boys step into the other room for a while?" she whispered, her bushy tail twitching. Nodding, the two men disappeared into the other room.
"Now, why don't we start from the beginning," Stacy stated, taking a seat in a chair opposite Keyan. "I'm Stacy. And you are?"
"Keyan."
CLANK!
"o/~ To the most beautiful girl I know o/~"
CLANK!
"o/~ Good-bye, Picadilly o/~"
CLANK!
"CAW!" Warbabe yelled, turning around in her seat in the van. "What are you doing?!" CAW was poised over a large crater in the floor of the van, a pick-axe sticking out of the side of his torso.
"Oh, I figger that once I break through the floor of the van, we'll be able to drop down on them from above."
"F!#@$@#%!$@#^ idiot," she muttered, turning back around in her seat.
"CAW," the Squeaky Flying Rodent asked, "did you even think about this?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I calculated the odds of my succeeding verses the odds of my doing something incredibly stupid, aaaand... I went ahead anyways."
Once more, the pick-axe fell to the floor of the van... and broke through.
"Um... Joel? Mike? Torgo? I seem to be kinda stuck here."
"It's Shake-N-Bake," the voice from the television called out. "And Ah helped!"
"I don't !@%&*!$ believe it! They're rerunning those commercials, AND THEY DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"WHAT IS IT?" CAP'N CAPS asked, his head turning. "Those old Seventies Shake-N-Bake commercials! They still owe me money for those!"
"WHAT?!" the other two asked in amazement.
"That kid," SNB Lass explained, "the one in those commercials? That's me!"
"I... see..." IMWNL muttered, readjusting his glasses. "Ah, yes. There is a resemblance. Kind of like seeing Punky Brewster now. But how did you get that Rolling Pin of Doom?"
"Family heirloom," SNB Lass explained. "Grandma beat Gramps with it, then Mom beat Dad. I didn't marry by the time Mom gave it to me, so I decided to beat net.villians with it."
Going back to their individual past-times, SNB Lass avoiding commercials wherever possible, they were surprised when the door adjoining the rooms opened up, and Lightcycle strode into the room, followed closely by Skunk Girl.
"Gang," she began, "I'd like you to meet the newest member of the a.outSiders, Keyen 'Lightcycle' Gerrig."
"New member?" SNB Lass scowled. "Now I've seen everything."
"Well," Skunk Girl sighed, taking a seat in the other La.Z.Boy, "with any luck, we can avoid any more net.hero teams who think they're the Spanish Inquisition."
"NOOOOoooo one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" came a yell from outside. As if on cue, the wall of the motel caved in, as a multi- colored van drove right into the room.
"You had to open your big mouth, Skunky," SNB Lass muttered.
Looking at Fred for a clue as to what was up, he was dissapointed when the receptionist shrugged and went back to his game of solitaire. Going into Ultimate Ninja's office, Fearless wondered aloud, "The Ninja's demand had caught me off guard, but then, I was rarely called into his office. Something was up."
"Sit down, Fearless. We need to discuss a few things."
Taking a seat, Fearless waited in anticipation. Going to the window in his office, the Ninja looked outward, his back to the news reporter.
"As far as anyone knows, you seem to have the most information concerning the a.outSiders' activities and motives. I think it would be best if you were to share what you know with me."
As the Ninja said this, Fearless' form seemed to become fuzzy for a brief moment. Looking down at himself, Fearless muttered, "Crap! Gotta fix that!"
"What was that you said?" UN demanded.
"Notes!" Fearless blurted. "Gotta fix some notes."
"You don't have your notepad with you," the Ninja pointed out.
"Mental notes," Fearless responded. "Gotta get 'em fixed and written."
"And since when did you not speak in voice-over?"
"Uh... The Ninja had me there!"
"Too late for that, imposter!"
Reaching into his jacket, the fake Fearless pulled out a pencil and pointed it at the Ninja.
"Don't make me laugh!"
The imposter turned in time to see the real Ultimate Ninja jump- kicking at him, and fired a 9mm slug from the 'pencil'. The GIF hologram continued staring out the window as the bullet lodged itself in UN's thigh. At the same moment his foot contacted the Net.amorph's chest, sending the villain flying through the office door back out into the lobby.
As the Net.amorph hastily retreated out the front door, followed by the jeers of several LNHers, he swore to himself. "I need to kidnap another LNHer next time. There's no way I could maintain that voice- over."
"Fine! Take out CAP'N CAPS!"
"PAR-TAY!" From CAW's various weapons ports, bullets, lasers, missiles, knives, pens, and plungers flew across the room, striking CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE several times in the chest.
"OH NO! NOT AGAIN!" CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE yelled, falling face first on the Squeaky Flying Rodent, trapping the bat-dressed klutz underneath him.
"You bastard! YOU KILLED KENNY!" Lightcycle called out.
"CAP CAP's first name isn't Kenny. It's Otto." IMWNL mentioned.
"It needed saying," was the only response. Lightcycle powered up his bodysuit, and cut off at CAW.
Grabbing her Rolling Pin of Doom, SNB Lass blocked Swordmaster's stroke at IMWNL, and the two parried and spun about trying to gain an advntage.
"I surrender," he said matter of factly.
"What?"
"I surrender," he repeated.
"You can't surrender! We haven't fought yet!"
"So? I surrender."
"This is a fight scene! We're supposed to fight!"
"Let the others fight. I surrender. Five bucks says Skunk Girl takes down Warbabe."
"You're on!"
"You're gonna die, skunky!" Warbabe hissed.
"Don't cal me 'skunky'!"
Warbabe leapt at Skunk Girl, who swiftly turned tail, and blasted her.
"Ugh! That's gross!" Warbabe coughed, then keeled over, unconscious.
"It ain't right people should be able to get away with brawls like that!"
"Heads up, Blader!" Lightrcycle called out, forming a solid light hockey stick and puck. Taking aim, he ricocheted the puck off CAW's beak, off a television, and into the back of the Rollerblader's head.
"Nice trick, kid," the Rollerblader commented. "But check this one out." The puck flew up, hitting the ceiling, bounced off CAW's beak, smashed through a window, rebounded off a tree, smashed through another window, and landing in front of Lightcycle.
"Oh, yeah? Watch this!"
Lightcycle slapped the puck, which went rebounding off the wall, off Squeaky Flying Rodent's head, off CAW's beak ("What is it with that puck and my beak?!"), off a cat passing by, and into the toilet.
"Yes! Nothing but bowl!" Lightcycle shouted.
Still standing on the sidelines, IMWNL paid up as the Whip tossed an octopus out onto the floor between LC and the Rollerblader. The Blader, furious at having been outmatched, swung his hockeystick at Lightcycle. The resounding SMACK! echoed through the room, and LC went down.
"Foul! High stick!" CAW commented.
"You guys barge in here," SNB Lass stated. "You kill CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, and I'M NOT GETTING PAID MY ROYALTIES! I AM PISSED OFF!!"
Behind them, unnoticed, CAP'N CAPS' pinky twitched.
"Well, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on," CAW quipped.
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT! UP! All we want to do is clear our names for a crime WE DID NOT COMMIT! CAN'T YOU GUYS GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS?!"
twitch
"Hey," Lightcycle called out. "CAP CAP's twitchin'."
"D'oh!" Swordmaster muttered, rolling over. "I forgot. Screaming with capslocks on can revive him."
"HIKEEBA-LER!" CAW yelled.
"I think CAW's got an idea," Skunk Girl mentioned. "All together now!"
"HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAA- LLLLLLLLEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!"
"Come on down, Otto." IMWNL told his friend. "The fight's over."
"BUMMER! MISSED IT AGAIN!"
"Maybe we were wrong about you a.outSiders," Swordmaster told Skunk Girl. "We only showed up because the Ninja told us you were in the area."
"What are you going to tell the Ninja?" Stacy asked.
"Let me put it this way. We didn't see you. Make sure it stays that way."
"Right."
Wandering outside, the a.outSiders and the Load Island Renegades glanced over at where some cops were hauling a number of people away.
"We're innocent victims! We called you in because they were brawling!"
"So why were you found with thousands of stolen bills on you?"
"I ain't telling! They trashed the motel! Arrest them!"
"They're net.heroes. Here in Load Island, they still have a license to cause property damage."
"But...."
"Another dissatisfied customer," SNB Lass commented.
"So where do we go, next?" IMWNL asked.
"Well," Skunk Girl commented, "there's only one place to go next. We have to return to Net.ropolis."
"Don't tell me we're freeing the Oozelfinch," SNB Lass groaned.
"Not yet. We need to contact Fearless."
Climbing into the stolen flight.thingee, the a.outSiders failed to notice four figures hiding in the shadows behind them.