The Oozelfinch-Kiwi Wars

Part 1: Everything You Know Is Wrong

Cover: Horrified LNHers in the background looking on as a Kiwi and an Oozelfinch, each armed with a Really Big Gun[tm], face off.

Although the LNHHQ's lobby can be something of an absolute madhouse, the rest of the building, with the exceptions of the cafeteria and sub-levels, are actually rather nice places, where a person could take up a relatively quiet residence. That is, it was a rather nice place where people could take up a relatively quiet residence. Then the Oozelfinches moved in.

It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was 4-3, Montre.alt's favor. Bases were loaded, and the count was at 3 balls, 2 strikes, 2 outs. The batter took the plate, the pitch was thrown, he swung, and...

"JOLTWAVE! WIPEOUT!"

Several Oozelfinches burst through the LNH TV Room doors, soaking everyone present with 100+ gallons of Jolt and knocked holes in the wall opposite the door with their full length balsawood surfboards, the Jolt shorting out the TV in the process.

"HEY!" Harris, a prominent kiwi exclaimed. "What are you morons doing?! That was the last game of the season! I was watching that!"

"Kiwikiwi! Kiwi!" two others joined in, feeling cheated of their enthusiasm.

"Chill out, chicky-chongas!" retorted a 'finch in gaudy Burmuda shorts and oversized shades. "Baseball's but a boring bounce around a bowling green. Almost anticipating gratitude for alleviating all you for the agonizing monotony are we! Oh, well. Ingrates! Raspberry! THBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!" "KIWI!" screamed one of the other birds, and launched itself at the smaller, but much more obnoxious avian. The kiwi was caught from behind by Harris before he could make beak contact with the 'finch, and was firmly repositioned behind him.

"Look, you stupid green menaces, we were enjoying that! Why is it that every time we're enjoying something you have to ruin it?"

"Ruin? Nonscience, my little, feathered fenderbait! We're the life of the party! Outta here!"

And with that, the 'finches exitted the room, leaving sticky, carbonated goodness dripping from the ceiling, walls, and furniture.

"And that's only the hundred thirty-seventh incident this morning!" Harris griped at Ultimate Ninja. "Something has to be done about these idiots!"

"I agree," UN replied. "But I do not want the LNHQ turned into a war-zone." Too Late. "Shut up, 'Link." No. It's more work for Captain Cleanup and Domestic Lad. I heard they need something to do.

Drawing a tired breath from behind his mask, UN rubbed his forehead and groaned. The Oozelfinch problem was, admittedly, getting out of hand. In the months since the flock had been brought into their imprint from alt.fan.bugtown the 'finches had caused no more trouble than was usual for the LNH, but in the past weeks since the LNH had put their leader under arrest they had been very nearly tearing the HQ apart with their inane antics.

"Alright, Harris. I'll talk to their leader. Hopefully he'll tell them to lay off."

"Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore'! By what right does the oppressor of the prolatariate propigate such precariously pondered placations? My people have spoken in the voice of their unity, and it smells of horseshoes! They say, 'Let our leader go!'"

Ultimate Ninja tried hard to suppress the rage building within, and just barely succeeeded. He had spent the past hour trying to get the deranged little bird to order his flock to stop their mindless rampaging through the LNHHQ hallways. The only thing he had to show for it was a headache and a desire to put the Great Oozelfinch out of everyones' misery.

At this point, the Kiwis standing just outside the door burst in. There was flurry of feathers, and UN found himself holding the Oozelfinch over his head.

"Kiwi! Kikikiwikiwiwi!"

"What he said!" Harris bellowed. "If that braindead little booger won't control his flock, then we, by ostrich droppings, will!"

"Poopie! Be still, dingo dinner!" the Oozelfinch retorted. "My flock bows to no one! We will not be repressed! YODEL-A-A-BO*coughhackhackcoughfarkcoughhack*..."

As the Oozelfinch continued his coughing fit, the kiwis came out from behind whatever cover they had tried to find. The 'Finch's throat had not yet recovered, it would seem, from his assault on Pope. Ultimate Ninja stopped gritting his teeth, and opening his eyes, he set the 'Finch back on the stool.

"Very well," he said, clearing his throat. "As of now, the Oozelfinch flock is on indefinite probation and are to be confined to the thirteenth sub-level until further notice."

Turning on his heel, UN ushered the extremely irritated kiwis out of the detention area.

"*coughcoughhackcoughGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAK*" the 'Finch sputtered, flipping the departing group the Gesture Most Fowl[tm].

Several Oozelfinches neared the guard desk in the detention area. They carried with them a very poorly made cake with a couch sticking up out of the top. The guard on duty, the Forgetting One, knew he was supposed to be doing something about them, but couldn't remember what it was. Waving them on by, he sat at his desk, and tried to think of what he had been doing with the crossword puzzle in front of him.

Moving the cake into the cell, the Oozelfinches saw that their leader was asleep. Not wishing to disturb his repose, they scrunched the cake up against the bars as much as they could, and tip-toed away.

Master Blaster stomped his way down to the detention area. He was in a rather irate mood at being assigned to guard the Great Oozelfinch, and didn't see why such an inane task couldn't have been given to California Kid or Proprastination Lad. The Forgetting One looked up as he neared the guard desk.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yeah," MB replied nastily. "I'm supposed to relieve your sorry butt."

"Oh," came the reply, as the FO relinquished the chair. "By the way, who are you?"

Before Master Blaster could respond, there came a loud cackling from the cells.

"Free! Free! FREE! T-shirts should not be given price tags, and pepperoni shouldn't go on the same pizza with horse radish! They thought they could keep me caged like a mad bull, and now I escape! Farewell!"

Rushing around the corner, Master Blaster and the Forgetting One just caught sight of the Great oozelfinch wriggling under a couch cushion. Whipping out a huge weapon, Master Blaster yelled, Come out of there, or I'll blow you to Hell[tm]!" Then he promptly blew the couch to Hell[tm].

Looking through its scattered remains, the two LNHers could find no trace of the Oozelfinch leader. Looking at Master Blaster, the Forgetting One asked, "Did something just happen?"

The Great Oozelfinch crawled out from under the cushions of a couch in an empty room on the LNHHQ's residential floors. The room was empty, that is, of occupants, but not of furniture. It would seem that this room was where all the couches not currently in use by the LNH were being stored. Sneaking over to the door, and with a great amount of effort, the Great Oozelfinch managed to get it open. Seeing that ther coast was clear, he decided to go to the beach, and stepped out into the hallway.

There it was! The prey was all alone, and helpless. Stalking closer, the kiwis readied themselves, then struck. The unsuspecting Oozelfinch never knew what hit him as seventy or eighty kiwis rounded the corner and trampled him into the floor, reversed direction, trampled him again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and... well, you get the idea.

The Oozelfinch-Kiwi War is on! Will the LNH be able to survive? Will Jolt replace Mr. Paparika as the LNH's office drink? How insane can the author get with this and remain uninstitutionalized? The answers will be revealed in next issue's story, Dare To Be Stupid!
The Oozelfinch-Kiwi War
Part One: Everything You Know Is Wrong
© 1998, Paul "UpLink" DeSanto
The Kiwis are property of Kid Kiwi
The Great Oozelfinch is owned by Ted "Arsenal" Brock, used with permission.
The Oozelfinches are Public Domain
Blame wReam for Ultimate Ninja