The Later-Than-Image-Ever-Was
"KIWI!"
*CRASH!*
"I found myself flat on my back," Fearless intoned in his perpetual voice-over, "with a six-year-old Panta sitting on my chest, and a Kiwi bird running from it's pursuer."
"Why you talkin' to yerself?" Panta asked, her cute button nose one inch from his.
"That was a question I asked myself often," he half-replied. "Then I remembered. Union rules."
"You funny," Panta giggled, her ears twitching. Without warning, she leaped off his chest to continue hunting Kiwis.
"I'd covered Panta's transformation for the Plan.net," he intoned as he stood up, "but the reality of it never ceases to amaze me."
"Stop talking to yourself!" the receptionist yelled over several ringing phones. Her eyes had a half-crazed look to them. "You'll go crazy that way!"
"In my condition, I knew there were only a limited number of ways of asking to see Cannon Fodder."
"SEE!" she yelled, slamming three phones down on the wrong receivers. "I KNEW YOU WERE LOONY!" Without hesitating, she ran for the doors to the sub-basements.
"Fearless!" Cheesecake Eater Lad stood in the doorway to the Cafeteria, waving Ferrifous over. "Glad you could make it. I've got this new Cherry Mocha Sauerkraut Cheesecake I just pulled out of the oven, and I need a vict- er, volunteer to test it out on."
"I shuddered at the thought. But then I thought, 'Why not?' It can't be any worse than yesterday's Tuna Noodle Casserole Cheesecake."
"I knew there was a reason we call you 'Fearless', Fearless," CE Lad commented, tossing an arm around Ferrifous's shoulder. "By the way, how was that Tuna Noodle Casserole Cheesecake I cooked up. You never did give me an opinion on it...."
"It had taken me only three pieces of the new cheesecake to convince CE Lad that I wasn't there to test out his cheesecakes," Ferrifous intoned into his tape recorder. "Still, I wondered. My reporter's instinct says there's a tie between Sticky Tack and the Crosspost Brothers. But only the notes found on a pair of his many victims pointed in that direction."
The cover of a particular Image title grabbed his eye. It had a picture of a very disproportionate redheaded archer, with the word BABEWATCH plastered over the title's logo.
"I'd heard the LNH had poor taste in reading material. This confirmed it. At least Old Comics Man had contributed his collection of The Brave and the Bold to the rack."
The door to the Reading Room opened, and Cannon Fodder poked his head through.
"You the reporter?" Ferrifous only nodded. CF sighed as he entered the room. "What's up?"
"I wondered what Cannon Fodder knew of his origins."
It took a moment for Cannon Fodder to realize that Ferrifous was speaking in voice-over.
"Absolutely nothing," CF admitted. "The first thing I remember is waking up in the LNH Infirmary, with Doc Stomper hovering over me."
Fearless handed CF the folder he'd been carrying under his arm since he'd entered the lobby. After reading through it for several minutes, CF looked up in amazement.
"This... this is my life before the LNH," CF whispered. "How did you...?" "I had no way of telling Cannon Fodder that it had been in a filing cabinet in the sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- sub- (deep breath) -basement."
Cannon Fodder whistled appreciatively.
"And you went all the way down there without going feral? You should join the LNH." Fearless smiled at the backhanded compliment.
Fearless handed CF a sheet of paper. "The note I handed CF was found on two of the victims of a killer the police are calling 'Sticky Tack'."
"Say no more," Cannon Fodder stated. "Anything- You- Can- Do- I- Can- Do- Better Boy told me about him. (He's still ticked you ditched him at that hot dog eating contest, by the way.) I'll meet you in the flight.thingee hangar in half an hour."
"Like, wow, dude!" California Kid exclaimed. "The trenchcoat's gonna be, like, tagging along with us? Excellent!"
"Why'd we have to pick him?" Parking Karma Kid muttered, nodding in CK's direction.
"Well, he's got that rocket surfboard, so he's good for recon," Cheesecake Eater Lad replied. "We'll need that over in alt.fan.bugtown."
"Sounds like a nice place," Jailbait stated, suppressing a shudder.
"It's not too bad, Jenni," Cannon Fodder told her. "At least, what little I'm starting to remember about it."
"Question is," she asked, "how are we gonna get over there? None of us have crossposting powers."
"Leave that to me," Renegade Programmer replied, walking through the door. "Give me fifteen minutes, and the flight.thingee's computer will do the cross-posting for you."
"She's done."
"So soon?" Jailbait asked.
"Hey, they don't call the man, like, 'the fastest programmer in the LNH' for nuthin', babe!" CK commented.
"You sure this thing is bug-free?" PK Lad asked.
"No piece of code is bug-free," RP stated. "But it compiles, and it runs. Should be enough for a brief trip to wherever you're headed."
"We're doomed," CE Lad muttered under his breath.
"Now if you'll excuse me," RP mentioned, leaving the hangar, "I've got an FTP site to set up for List Lad...." On his way out, he grabbed a giant slab of cheesecake CE Lad offered him, downing it in one gulp.
As the LNHers and Fearless boarded the flight.thingee, Bad Timing Boy just happened to walk through the door of the hangar.
"That test is over, I'M FREE!!!"
"Good," Jailbait said, grabbing his arm. "Then you're coming on this mission, Brad."
"But...." was all Bad Timing Boy could say as Jailbait dragged him into the flight.thingee.
"There was no mistaking Bad Timing Boy's dismay at being drafted," Fearless intoned into his tape recorder as he settled into a seat. "This is starting to look like a typical LNH mission."
The roar of the flight.thingee's engines drowned out the rest of Fearless's voice-over.
"'Not too bad', CF?" Jailbait complained. "This place is a DUMP!"
"I've got amnesia," was CF's only reply.
"PK Kid, can you find a place to land?" CE Lad asked.
"You need to ask? I see several."
"Can you land us without causing a commotion?"
"That might be a little bit more difficult."
"Hey, CF," Jailbait wanted to know, "Are you certain this 'Sticky Tack' guy is one or both of the Crosspost Brothers?"
"No. I'm not even sure they know about me."
"What about that file Fearless handed you? It was crossposted here, so they could have done a Fan.Boy, and read the thing."
"Then they do know about me. Great. Call it a hunch, Jen, but I think I'm gonna die again on this mission."
"It's not a hunch. The Author's using you in a post, so you're certain to die again."
"Thanks for the morale boost," CF groaned.
Minutes passed, until PK Kid spotted a realatively clear section of road, currently under construction.
"But there are workmen down there." Bad Timing Boy said.
"Don't worry about them," replied Cannon Fodder. "Look, they're Pen.DOT workers. They wouldn't notice if an aircraft carrier went thru. Just try not to land on that roach coach, or they'll be really ticked."
The flight.thingee landed with a thud, and the group disembarked.
"Nice landing PK Kid!" Jailbait grumbled. "Did you have to let Fearless sit on your lap and steer?"
"If Jailbait had only known of my rough childhood..." Fearless began.
"Whoa, dude, like I can totally relate to that, man! We're, like, just foam on the rip tides of, like, life! NARF!"
"Someone keep him away from the tube!" Jailbait said. "He's ODed on the A.net.maniacs again!"
"Hey! Where's CE Lad?" Cannon Fodder asked.
They found him at the workcrew's gut wagon.
"...Ok, OK, OK! How about a Philly Steak Swiss and Mayonaisse Cheesecake?"
"Look buddy," the proprietor said, blowing his cigar smoke in CE Lad's face. "I tol' ya, we ain't gots no sneckin' cheesecake!"
"But EVERYBODY eats cheesecake!" The team managed to pull CE Lad away from the chuck truck, and headed for the city proper (or improper if you prefer).
"Maybe we should look for the Crosspost Brothers another way," Cannon Fodder suggested. "Big Alt supposedly controls JPEG Bay. Maybe we should go see him."
"And if he doesn't want to see us?" CE Lad asked, looking up from one of his custom cheesecakes he'd brought along.
"He'll see us. It's just a gut feeling I've got."
"Well, your not dead yet, so why not?"
A secretary scurried from Big Alt's office, wishing there were a sub-basement that he could disappear into.
"I need a vacation," Big Alt muttered, as his desk buzzer burred for his attention.
"What?"
"Mr. Alt," came a twangy female voice, somewhat reminecent of a Newark accent. "There's a group of people out here to see you. They say they're from alt.comics.lnh."
"aclnh? Didn't Godd Fodder move there a few years ago?"
"How should I know, sir? You don't pay me to work here. You pay me to be a receptionist."
"Right. Send 'em in."
Big Alt leaned back in his chair, massaging his temples as the team entered the large, plush office.
"Mr. Alt, we're...," Cannon Fodder started.
"Welcome into my presence," Big Alt stated, still massaging his temples. "Now why are you bothering me, and why should I bother to help you?"
"Because we're looking for the Crosspost Brothers, and it would be a really big help, if you would," replied Bad Timing Boy.
"Ugh! Who'd wanna go looking for those two freeeee...! Godd Fodder! What are you doing back?! I thought you scrammed for somewhere else!"
It took several moments for Cannon Fodder to realize that Big Alt was referring to him.
"Uh, I'm here because the Crosspost Brothers killed my brother, and may be killing people over in alt.comics.lnh."
"Ah, yes, the infamous Moderator Massacre. No great loss."
"My brother was a simple TAX GROUP moderator!"
"My condolences, of course," Big Alt stated flatly. "You still haven't said why *I* should help *you*."
"Trump time, Jailbait," CE Lad whipsered.
"Well, if you *don't* help us," Jailbait stated sweetly, walking around behind Big Alt, "we might just make a mess of your office." With that, she grabbed his chair, and used her power over gravity to throw it and him over her head. "See?"
"I *really* need a vacation," Big Alt muttered. "Okay, I'll tell you where they are, under one condition."
"What's that?" CF asked.
"NEVER return to JPEG Bay again!"
"Deal," CF stated. "Where are they?"
"Pipe down, Fearless!" Bad Timing Boy whispered harshly. "You want something to find us before we find it?"
"Too late, we were surrounded."
From every corner and cubby hole, hordes of strange, ackwardly shaped birds(?) waddled out to encompasse them.
"We were definitely in trouble." Fearless continued. "They were around us, and began closing in. It was horrible. They all had an insane smile and a mad, animalistic gleam in their eyes. The worst had happened. We were surrounded by Oozelfinches."
This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, and then a two issue Limited series. This looks almost like it's gonna go monthly. (Or at least turn into a continuing series. I don't think anyone on racc or aclnh have a true monthly.)
Johnny Fearless and the Oozelfinches ™ Pullemouttayerhat Productions