presents

JOHNNY FEARLESS

#1 (of 2): Voice-Over Blues

Hello. I'm Johnny Ferrifous. Folks call me either "Johnny Fearless" or "that crazy nut". I'm a reporter. I work for the Net.ropolis Daily Plan.net. "Why that rag?" you ask? A very simple reason. It's the only net.paper in the Looniverse that's willing to hire somebody who speaks only in voice-over dialogue. I also happen to be the president of the Voice-Over Union, Local 2099.

It was about three months ago that the first of these murders was discovered. The police were doing a standard shake down of the city's bridges and subways, clearing out all the hobos and bums. It was on, or rather under, the Stan.ton Line Bridge that they found the body of thiry-eight year old Donny Osmander. They knew imediately that he had been murdered. He was stuck to a girder by a wad of Sticky Tack.

Sticky Tack. Once applied, that stuff is sheer hell to get off, until it gives way after a week.

Two days later, another body had been found. This one was Donny's 27-year-old sister, Marie. This one had been stuck to her front door's knob by the left land. She had just gotten back from shopping, but had gone to unlock the door, leaving the bags in the car. Pity really. Food less than ten feet away, and her neighbors figuring it was none of their business.

The next two finally convinced the cops that there was a crime wave on. So they did the only logical thing. They called in the Legion of Net.Heroes. And, as the Plan.net followed the exploits of the LNH, I was called in to cover the case.

I walked into the Lobby of the LNHHQ. Not the brightest move in my career, but I needed to start somewhere. Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better Lad was already there, and immediately horned in on my voice-over.

AYCDICDB Lad:
So this was Ferrifous. He din't seem much to look at, but just walking through our doors marked him as being brave. Or a total eediot.

Annd aboot thiss tyime, i wad reeady to chuck TYpo LaD out th nearest stain--gladd windoe.

Ferrifous:
This guy was muscling in on my territory, and I wasn't in a very sharing mood. This was starting to remind me of the M.alt.ese Groundhog Caper.

AYCDICDB Lad:
We'd butted heads then, as well.

Ferrifous:
Still, a story is a story. But the author of this one intended to drag this gag out as much as possible.

I needed to know what the LNH knew about this guy we at the Plan.net called "Sticky Tack". And if the author intended to make me suffer Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better Lad, so be it.

AYCDICDB Lad:
If this guy couldn't do better than that, then he should have given up while he had the chance. Well, too late now.

I told him what we knew. One sentence. He's killing people with Stick Tack.

Ferrifous:
Seems Sister State-the-Obvious just walked through the door from the Cafeteria.

After comparing notes, he hit the streets, trying to track down leads. And being the reporter I am, I folloed him. Dispite my insistance that he didn't need one, Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better Lad brought along a Special Substances Tracking Thingie. To our chagrin, Typo Lad was assigned to tailo us, just in case we neeeded backup. And he was sticking allittle too close.

AYCDICDB Lad:
The only thing to be shagrinned about at the moment was "Fearless's" lousy puns.

Ferrifous:
We spent the next couple of weeks going over every part of the city that we couls think of, as well as picking up whatever we could about the continuing murders.

Three more murders had been dicsovered sinse we had left LNHHQ. The last of the three was 16-year-old Lindsey Wagoneer. As well as being cruxified by Sticky Tack, there was a note Sticky Tacked to her forehaed. It read:

Fodder for the Cannon.

Of course, I knew what it meant almost immediately. This guy Sticky Tack had a mad-on for my coleague, Canon Fodderr.

TYPO LAAADDD!!!!!

Ferrifous:
While Typo Lad abused AYCDICDB Lad, I thought about what little I knew about Cannon Fodder. The young man could die countless times, and always turn up alive. No one knew how this ability was discovered, nor if CF had any family. Heck, no one even knew his real name.

It was time to return to LNHHQ.

Despite reservations, my instincts told me my best chance to find this killer was to scour the LNHHQ's sub-basements. If there wa ever a clue that would lead to the identity of Sticky Tack, it would be there.

As I pondered the stuation, I missed seeing the Oozelfinch crossing my path. This would later prove to be most unfortunate for me.

Finally, after dropping forty floors, I found it. It was a filing cabinet, marked "Lost Origins of the LNH". I knew that if Cannon Fodder had an origin Story, it'd be in there. One thing I'd learned from repeated exposure to the LNHHQ and it's sub-basements, was that even the LNH didn't know what was down there.

Footnote Girl was already leaning over an open drawer, her newly sprained ankle wrapped in an ace bandage [The author's revenge for my comments about sprained ankles in other genres - Footnote Girl].

"Here you go, Fearless," she stated, handing me a folder. "And why are you talking in that rediculous voice-over dialog?"

It was a question I wanted to know myself.

As I read through the story in the folder [ftp://ftp.eyrie.org/eyrie/racc/lnh/Misc/Origin.Cannon.Fodder.gz - Footnote Girl], I walked back towards the staircase of the sub-basements, not particularly looking forward to fending off any receptionists that may be down here, or clmbing back up forty flights of stairs.

I learned this while sampling some of Cheesecake Eater Lad's Tuna Noodle Casserole Cheesecake. Seems I'm the only one brave enough - or stupid enough - to try it.

Seems Cannon Fodder has amnesia, brought about from the numerous deaths he'd suffered on the day he joined the LNH. And he joined the LNH to gain revenge on the people who'd killed his brother. Still, there was something suspicious about the story in the folder. My instincts told me there was more. For instance, why had the Plan.net never heard of the Crosspost brothers? And what exactly happened to the equipment to make it explode?

There was only one thing to do. Bring this information to Cannon Fodder's attention. And that meant heading back to the LNHHQ a third time.