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#3 : Juke-Box Records.
cover: An exploding cabin, a.outSiders and other net.heroes being thrown in every direction, the Great Oozelfinch in the center of the explosion, several times larger than actual size.
From the Personal Jounral of Betty Crocket (Shake-n-Bake Lass):
It's been two weeks since we hauled our butts up here to the Incredible Man-With-No-Life's cabin in Ca.net.a. We've spent the time in various fashions, mostly fixing up the place, and trying to get a better reception on that antique black & white TV of his. We'd tried covering the ceiling with aluminum foil, but every time we'd get close, that blasted idiotic "Great" Oozelfinch keeps knocking over CAP'N CAPS's ladder. I've lost track of how often it's happened....

"Fifteen times," IMWNL whispered, hovering over her.

"Get lost!"

... As I was saying, the Oozelfinch dropped the aluminum foil on us at least a dozen times....

"Fifteen."

"Get a life!"

"I can't. It's against my nature."

"Then go have no life elsewhere!"

... Where was I. Oh, yes. Complaining about the Oozelfinch. I guess it could be worse. At least he eats my cooking. Not that there's much to Shake-N-Bake up here in the Ca.net.ian wilderness. Skunky's been bringing back the occassional rabbit hutch to cook up, so it hasn't been a total loss. Even CAP's been quiet (relatively), fishing in the nearby stream....

"I GOT ONE!" echoed through the woods surrounding the cabin. "BUMMER! TOO SMALL!"

... And yet, there's a few things that continue to worry us... Who killed the Living Monotone? Was he after one of us? What secrets is Skunky hiding under that black armor of hers? And when will the LNH home in on the Corbomite Moonshine's still-functioning signal beacon?

A few notes from outside caught her attention, right before an off-key "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog" shattered the windows of the cabin.

"We've been found out!" she yelled out the window.

Outside, Skunk Girl, CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, and the Great Oozelfinch all turned to the source of the commotion. A bandwagon drawn by two ghostly horses flew overhead, carrying a number of LNHers.

"I CALL CAP'N CAPS!" Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad yelled.

"Don't be cruel, man," Elvis Man told him. "We're sending Curly after him, remember? Let the Stooge have him, uh-huh."

"Stooge?" Curly asked.

"Never mind. Curly smash CAP'N CAPS."

With a cry of "CURLY SMASH!", the dain-bramaged LNHer leapt from BandWagon Chick's mystic bandwagon, landing face-first on CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.

"Are you sure Curly's the right one for CAP?" AYCDICDB Lad asked.

"Hey," Frat Boy explained, chugging straight from his ever-present keg of beer, "who better to take on someone big, strong, and dain-bramaged, than someone else who's big, strong, and even more dain-bramaged?"

Seeing CAP'N CAPS take a tumble into the stream, taking Curly with him, Skunk Girl headed straight for the bandwagon.

"Uhn-uh, sweet thang! Ain't gonna happen, uh-huh!" Elvis Man stated, rising from his seat on the bandwagon.

I don't have time for this! she thought to herself as she raised an arm. A bright cascading flash burst from her wrist, and magnetic shockwaves caught Elvis Man in the midrift. Thrown from the bandwagon, he fell into a pile of aluminum foil.

"Ow, uh-huh! You can hit me anywhere you like, sweet thang, but don't step on mah Blue Suede Shoes!"

Coming up next to him, Skunk Girl promptly stepped on his feet, digging her toe claws into them.

"I'm getting outta here!" the Oozelfinch warbled to himself. "This is a madhouse!"

Making a mad dash for the couch, he was intercepted by aLLiterative Lass.

"Halt, Hoary Harbinger of mayHem! Cease your UnSeemly Sedition, or you Shall Surely have Shown to you the Ceaseless onSlaught of Superhero Stamina and Strength!"

"Sasquatch!" the oozelfinch exclaimed. "My doom is near, Yea! verily at the door! Yet to give over so easily to defeat would be beneath my kith and ken! Pucker up, babe! We's gonna swing it TONIGHT!!!"

Taking defensive postures, the Great Oozelfinch and the Novice Ninja circled each other, probing for weaknesses.

"Hot tomales! You a swinger, babe? Let's get busy!" Frat Boy offered, holding out a bag of stale Doritos.

"No thanks," Shake-N-Bake Lass muttered. "Let's see which is stronger, my Rolling Pin of Doom, or your breath."

Whipping out her unbreakable wooden rolling pin, the scourge of the kitchen swung it in a backhanded swipe, narrowly missing Frat Boy's chin.

"BRAAAPPP!!" Frat Boy belched, falling backwards. "Reminds me of my Home Ec. instructor. Not that I ever went to that class."

"So when're ya gonna start?" IMWNL asked, leaning back in his lawn chair on the porch.

Across from him, in a matching lawn chair, AYCDICDB Lad retorted, "Why don't you start? It's your cabin."

"It's your team starting the fight. You start."

"I'm not gonna start, I'm just gonna end it once you start."

"Then why should I start? Or are you afraid you'll lose?"

"I'm not afraid of losing. I can have no life better than you any day."

"Prove it. I've got twenty years experience."

"No."

"Then I won't either."

"Slacker."

"Thanks."

Watching the battles rage(?) below her, BandWagon Chick circled around to target her bandwagon's trumpet-blasters on the stolen flight.thingie. After missing twice, she dropped in for another pass, coming in lower. To her surprise, the Moonshine fired back at her, tossing several seemingly-harmless canisters in the seat of the bandwagon.

Gasping for air as the canisters suddenly released their contents, BandWagon Chick tried to see past the tear gas before crashing the bandwagon on Curly and CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.

INTERLUDE:

Johnny Fearless munched on a slab of one of Cheesecake-Eater Lad's Daily Specials, a Caesar-Salad-Guacamole-Garlic-and-Onion Cheesecake, as he scoured the Daily Plan.net's archives for articles on the LNH, especially concerning the pasts of the Incredible Man-With-No-Life and CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE. Reading an article near the back page of an issue from four years ago, Fearless's reporter instincts bugged him. Although the article was only a half-column long, the picture next to it spoke volumes.

Distracted by a commotion at the door, Fearless was surprised to see the Ultimate Ninja enter the room, and toss his Ginsu at him. The last thing he felt was the butt of the knife hitting his temple.

WE CONTINUE:

" o/~ Dancin' to the JailHouse Rock o/~" Elvis Man sung to himself, avoiding Skunk Girl's claws for the umpteenth time.

"I'm gonna gag you if you keep singing off-key, fat-boy!" she commented, swinging around behind him, deftly avoiding his swinging hips.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she wiggled her tail under his nose, hitting him full-force with a blast of skunkish odor.

"Thank youu very much," he muttered, before collapsing.

"CReepy-CRawly CRetin! Give in or Get Grilled!"

"Never, O babely bundle of bouncey bodaciousness! Here I am king! KING! And not just any king, but King of the valley! King of the trees! King of the Hill! Poit! Wrong TV show!"

"Obnoxious Oozelfinch!"

"Great favor you bestow upon me, though well deserved and immodestly accepted it is! But I merit no less, and no more! now get thee hence, foul female of crime fighting, lest I be forced to yield up a high-yield!"

"What Warble you about, Wierd-o?"

"YODEL-AY-A-BOMB!!!!!!!!!"

Still trying to goad each other into making the first move, IMWNL and AYCDICDB Lad were sent sailing several yards (uh, meters! They don't use yards in Ca.net.a) across the yard (oh, guess they do).

"You still kicking, Andy?" IMWNL asked.

"Yeah," AYCDICDB Lad replied. "You?"

"Maybe." Standing up, IMWNL slammed his fist into AYCDICDB Lad's nose. "Toldya you should've made the first move." AYCDICDB Lad groaned and laid still, unconscious.

Still sparring, the two food-oriented net.heroes traded blows. Frat Boy's mouth and nose bled from several impacts. On the other hand, Shake-N-Bake Lass's tan outfit was ripped in several places, from Frat Boy's pizza cutter.

Seeing his teammates fall, Frat Boy was desperate to win. Although he had more experience, the beer he'd consumed on the trip was catching up to him, making him all the more prone to getting hit by Shake-N-Bake Lass's Rolling Pin. Staggering back, more than just a little drunk, he took one more swig from a can of Gen.net.c beer. Seeing an advantage, Shake-N-Bake Lass simply reached over, put a finger on his forehead, and pushed him over. Crashing to the ground, Frat Boy started snoring, dreaming of the last Toga Party he'd held.

"What's the body count?" she asked as the a.outSiders, minus a still shell-shocked Oozelfinch, gathered their wits.

"Through dirth and danger we have triumphed over foes and allies alike in our mad struggle towards that great reward we run for! Mommy, are we there yet?" Flopping over, he passed out. "KOOKOO!"

Cradling the unconscious bird in his hand, IMWNL took a glance around the combat area. "I'm gonna need a new cabin."

"Yeah, well don't ask us to clean it up," Skunk Girl stated. "I don't do windows."

"So, where to now, Skunky?" Shake-N-Bake Lass asked.

"Stop calling me that," Stacy growled. "Shakey. Anyways, I have an idea on where to get information on our mystery killer."

"WHERE?!"

"Provid.net, Load Island."

"HUH?"

Exactly what I was thinking, CAP. Find out next issue.

Credits:
Johnny Fearless, Skunk Girl, Shake-N-Bake Lass, and the Great Oozelfinch are owned by me.
CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE and the Incredible Man-With-No-Life are Public Domain, reserved by me.
aLLiterative Lass, Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad, Curly, Elvis Man, Frat Boy, and Bandwagon Chick are Public Domain.
Ultimate Ninja owned by wReam.
a.outSiders #3: Juke Box Heroes
Written by Arsenal the Lone Warrior
© 1997 Pullemouttayerhat Productions
No Oozelfinches were harmed in the making of this story